“yes/no” by tauba auerbach
Typeverything.com - Pattern designs by Yani Arabena & Guille Vizzari.
“walldrawing” by sol lewitt
First Female Face-off
This week, the talk is all about the New Hampshire and South Carolina, and which Republican candidate could take Barack Obama’s place in 2012 (haha, just kidding, not gonna happen). Listening to CNN dissect arbitrary poll numbers is more boring than individually tweezing off every hair on your body, so let’s instead focus on which unfortunate lady might have to try to fill Michelle Obama’s Jimmy Choos. Ratings are given willy nilly with absolutely no regard to anything, though frailty, blondness, and former careers in “feminine” fields earn higher scores, as do the number of red or magenta pant suits owned.
Mary Kaye Huntsman
She and Jon worked together at a Marie Callendar’s Pie Shop, parted ways, and then met again years later in DC. Ladies and gentlemen, that is called “fate.”
Former profession: Dental assistant
Helmet hair quotient: 25%, she mostly wears it down and relaxed, but it still retains a waxy sheen
Possession of angular facial features: extremely high
Helmet hair quotient: 25%, she mostly wears it down and relaxed, but it still retains a waxy sheen
Possession of angular facial features: extremely high
Probability that she has sex dreams about Ronald Reagan: 70%
Multi-culti family: Yes
Multi-culti family: Yes
Red pant suit tally: 5
Calista Gingrich
Calista plays French horn in her church choir and openly admitted to having an affair with a married, high-level elected official. Both of these things were done without irony.
Former profession: Hill staffer
Helmet hair quotient: 98%, Calista’s hair is in fact made out of actual helmet fibers.
Probability that she has sex dreams about Ronald Reagan: 85% (74% chance they also involve maple syrup and using electrical tape as restraints)
Probability that she has sex dreams about Ronald Reagan: 85% (74% chance they also involve maple syrup and using electrical tape as restraints)
Probability that she actually banged Ronald Reagan: 94%.
Red pant suits: 7
Anita Perry
Anita met her husband at a piano recital when they were children. She is by far the hottest candidate’s wife.
Former profession: Nurse
Helmet hair quotient: a paltry 15%, Perry’s hair appears to be entirely her own and shaped into a vaguely human style
Probability that she has sex dreams about Ronald Reagan: 35%, she’s more of Goldwater girl
Helmet hair quotient: a paltry 15%, Perry’s hair appears to be entirely her own and shaped into a vaguely human style
Probability that she has sex dreams about Ronald Reagan: 35%, she’s more of Goldwater girl
Multi-culti family: No sir
Red pant suit tally: 2
Karen Santorum
Rick and Karen met when Rick was recruiting summer interns for his law firm, which coincidentally is also the beginning of a porno I once saw. When asked what she would do as first lady, she said “I don’t think that far ahead.” To be fair, she probably won’t need to.
Former profession: Lawyer
Number of siblings: 11
Multi-culti family: Not unless you consider a dead fetus you bring home to meet your living children a member of another culture
Sob story about a dead child: Check
Sob story about a dead child: Check
Probability that she has sex dreams about Ronald Reagan: 185%
Red pant suit tally: 0, the closest she has is this lame peachy chiffon number
Carol Wells (Paul)
Carol is something of an enigma on the campaign trail, and she rarely gives interviews or speaks publicly. She wrote an article titled “The Ron Paul I Know” in 2007, appeared in a brief YouTube interview in 2008, and wrote a statement (which included a solicitation for recipes for her cookbook) for her husband’s 2010 congressional campaign. And that’s about it. She’s too adorable to have a Wikipedia page.
Helmet hair quotient: 65%, she gets it washed and set once a week at the salon
Former profession: Secretary
Probability that she has sex dreams about Ronald Reagan: can’t bring myself to do this
Red pant suit tally: 2 (one is pink taffeta!!)
Ann Romney
Ann met Mitt in elementary school, and they went to prom together. In addition to being blonde and vaguely attractive, Ann Romney also has a serious illness, is a champion horse rider, and has done charity work with inner city youth, teen pregnancy prevention, and the United Way. In short, she was genetically engineered to be the perfect blend of achievement, hard work, and pity that is essential in a Republican candidate’s wife.
Helmet hair quotient: 0%
High brow hobby: Champion horse riding
Multi-culti family: Yes
Probability that she has sex dreams about Ronald Reagan: 100%
High brow hobby: Champion horse riding
Multi-culti family: Yes
Probability that she has sex dreams about Ronald Reagan: 100%
Probability that she has sex dreams about Nancy Reagan: 38%
Red pant suit tally: 8
Typeverything.com
Calligraffiti by Theos One.
Anatomy of a horse from a 9th century AH (15th century AD) Egyptian document at the University Library, Istanbul.
